Dear Pam,

I am in total panic over this paper, because it needs to be perfect, and I don't think I did enough research and the professor doesn't like me and I don't know what to do next and there are too many possibilities because he didn't narrow the topic down and tell me how to write a thesis statement and I think I'm gonna be sick. What can I do now to get an A on this paper that's due day after tomorrow?

-- Alphonse


Dear Al,

Shut up and write as if your next meal depends on it.

Sincerely,
Pam

P.S. Swear off conjunctions.

Group Projects -- Aaaaaagh!

Shared projects are supposed to prepare college students for the business world. Chores are supposed to be portioned out according to need and skills, and everyone is supposed to confer along each step of the process, from beginning (argumentative thesis, in our case) to construction (declaration and execution of methodology, writing and preparing the handouts, design of the PowerPoint presentation) to the actual presentation itself (talking points, managing the PowerPoint, stating the argument and answering questions). So far, Group 5 is stuck at the thesis, and I may be the only one concerned about it.

I know, there's always one in every group that worries more than anyone else about these things. One tries not to be that person, or the one who does all the work, or the one who never does anything. The aggravating thing about this educational model is that it has nothing to do with how projects function in the working world.

In the real world, if someone doesn't do their part of the project, and consistently follows this pattern of behavior, the boss finds out and fires the culprit. Particularly in the state of Washington, doing nothing at work has consequences.

My God, I'm getting nostalgic for the office. I think I'll go write a thesis and just get over it.